A Time to Reflect

 

Last week, people watched in horrified disbelief as news of the killing of innocent children in a school in Conneticut, U.S.flashed on news channels worldwide.
 

This week, the sense of pain, torment and uncontrollable grief, that grips endless hearts, looms heavy, like a dark cloud, as families and friends of the victims, face the arduous ordeal of laying their loved ones to rest.
 

How do you bring closure, when your world has turned upside down? How can you feel anything besides anger, bitterness and a sense of despair, knowing that it could have been your child?
 

For years, when we dropped our children at school, there were tantrums at times, but we always knew they would be safe there. It is worrying to think it is no longer so, despite the fact that they spend so much of their growing years there.
 

Through all this, we also need to stop and think about the shooter, who ultimately shot himself. What kind of mental state was he in? What provoked him to initiate such a horrendous act? Was he dealing with his own demons, his insecurities? Everyone needs somebody to talk to, someone who cares, a sense of belonging.
 

Did that 20-year-old ever have that, or did he feel unloved and a non-entity?
 

Was there a cry for help that went unnoticed and resulted in this?
 

There has been a lot of talk about governments needing to take stronger action and restrict gun control, but will that really solve the problem? Maybe people also need to re-think how they bring up their children.
 

In today’s rat race, it is a struggle to find the balance between quality time with family and keeping up with the Joneses.
 

We have raised a bunch of latch-key children, many left unsupervised, doing their own thing and getting away with it.
 

But it goes without saying that although children are individuals in their own right, as parents how we nurture them today, goes a long way into making them the adults they are tomorrow.
 

When a child feels loved, respected and secure with strong family values, there is in all likelihood, that he will grow to become a caring, confident and responsible human being.
 

On the flipside, growing up within a home, where there is domestic violence, drug abuse, neglect, lack of family values and total indifference, chances are, that child will grow into a frustrated, depressed adult, with low self-esteem, lack of confidence no sense of direction.
 

Then again, despite a wonderful upbringing, peer pressure can sometimes create havoc in a child’s life.
 

It is convenient to play the blame game but instead, let’s ask ourselves, what we can do to prevent such a disaster from recurring. 
 

Maybe we could start by being better role models, practising what we preach, about good behaviour and taking responsibility for our actions; maybe we could spend more time with our children, get to know them better, rather than work our butts off, just providing for their needs. Lets face it, life is not about fulfilling materialistic needs over emotional needs.
 

This is something that should never have happened and it has left a huge negative impact, more so on young minds that witnessed the attack, or simply heard about it.
 

For the moment though, let us focus our thoughts and prayers on the families who have lost their precious angels. Let us be supportive, in any little way that we can and then work towards maintaining safer communities.
 

 

Rest in peace little ones, rest in peace....

Come, fall in love...

I love myself - seriously I do, because I have learnt that no one can love me as much as I can love myself.

Then again, there are times our self-esteem takes a beating and we question our sense of self-worth.

But let’s face it, none of us is perfect, so appreciate and accept yourself, despite your shortcomings – that is what loving yourself is about.

Also if you don’t feel that way about yourself, how can you expect it from others?

Think about it. When you love someone deeply, you do so unconditionally, despite their faults, so why then can’t you love yourself with the same fervour?

If you criticize yourself, feel you are not good enough, for whatever reason, you will attract not only negative energy but also people who will be critical of you in every way.

As human beings, we are the same and yet so different. Our lives are different, our thoughts, dreams and desires are different. Even when we are intertwined as a family, we are all individuals on our own journey.

As part of our journey, we will meet a variety of people. Some will be kind, others cruel, some will help you, others will use you and there will be just as many who will love you or hate you, all of which will impact your emotions.

Then again, each of us is responsible for our feelings People are not responsible for how we feel and we are not responsible for how others feel.

   

We have created the emotion, it will pass. If we identify with it, we expect it to come and accept it when it comes. That does not mean you try to escape it by distracting your mind. By doing that, you will only cause it to fester and create ill health over time.

Also, don’t simply sit back and wait for Time to heal the pain.

We choose how much time we take to heal ourselves. Face the emotion and find the tool of knowledge to heal it, do not leave it to time

If this means journaling, screaming or crying if necessary, do so; don’t withhold what you feel, because only through the unleashing of words or tears, can you start the healing process of your anguished mind and body and release the imbedded pain, anger and bitterness.

The fact remains, that negative emotions are like blockages towards the road of happiness and it is only when you forgive, can you let go of the past and move forward.

While it is hard to forgive people who have hurt you, you can at least forgive yourself first, for feeling the way you do.

Slowly but surely, you will not only heal yourself, but also your relationship with others.

One needs to remember that no one is a bad person; it is their situations and experiences that have made them so and it is part of a personal journey they have to travel.

So focus, look deeply into the eyes that reflect back at you, give yourself a hug and tell the  face in the mirror, that no matter what, you are unique in every way.

Come, lets each of us fall in love - with ourselves.

"Stop Abusing Your body!"

Those were the words my massage therapist used, as soon as he started working on me.

What in the world was he talking about? I took reasonably good care of myself. I didn't  drink alcohol or smoke, never did drugs, ate healthy vegetarian meals, exercised when possible and had a minimum of eight hours sleep every night.

"You abuse your body through worry, which leads to stress and these are the results," he said, working on the tight knots on my shoulders as I cringed in pain. 

As he continued to massage my so called abused body,he explained things I already knew, but it made a stronger impact hearing it from this Chinese man, who I now considered, a man with the golden touch.

"Stop worrying about your family. They have their own lives to live and they have to learn their lessons through trial and error. The only one you should be worrying about is yourself."

"But life is stressful and I want everyone to be happy..."

"Where there is joy, there is sorrow, where there is sadness, there is happiness, stop trying to fix everything, go with the tide, not against it," he said gently.

"Does worrying about a problem or situation solve the problem, make it dissapear? No. All it does is increase your stress level which in turn affects your digestive system, gives you headaches, sleepless nights, high blood pressure and  endless other ailments."

"How do I stop worrying?" I asked.

"Do the things you love to do, things that make you happy. It will help divert your mind from worrying about things you have no control over."

"That's easier said than done," I said, trying to stifle a scream as he worked on my leg."

"Anger, so much bottled up anger," he said, ignoring my pain and continued working on releasing toxins, which he said had blocked the  free flow of energy through my body.

I lay there silently, digesting all that he said. Yes, I did have a tendency to stress over things, even when I knew I couldn't change a thing and that made me angry with those responsible for the problem.

He seemed to have read my mind, because he added,

"You can't control other people or try to change what you dont like about them. You only have control over your attitude and how you react to them."

I knew I had to stop trying to fix everything, make every wrong, right, hoping to make everyone happy in the bargain. There was only so much I could do and if my dear ones are important to me, I have to remember I am important too and need to  love myself, just as much, as I loved them.

"Be kind to yourself, your body will love you for it," he said, with a smile,
as I emerged one hour later, relaxed, rejuvenated and felt like a million bucks.
  Before I left the Spa that day, I made a promise to myself.

With immediate effect I was going to delete the word 'worry' , 'stress' and 'neglect' from my dictionary. I was going to focus on all that was wonderful in my life and face any problem that came my way, with a more positive outlook, because end of the day ' what will be, will be.'

 It would take a lot of practise and discipline, but it was something I had to do. I owed it to myself.

If this meant, taking an hour or even half hour everyday to do something for myself, I would incorporate it as part of my routine, till it became second nature.

So now I ask you.....have you been abusing your body? If so, stop short changing yourself - you deserve better, because YOU are important too.

The Lesson called Life.

Life is unpredictable. Some days you want to run and hide under the covers, while on other days, it is seemingly perfect. Then again, ‘seemingly’, doesn’t always mean it is.

While one can camouflage the flaws on a canvas with a clever stroke of the brush, how does one do that with life? Sweeping them under the carpet, doesn't rid you of your problems and by ignoring them, they grow wild, like unwanted weeds in the garden of life, till they are staring you in the face, ugly and out of control!

Isn’t it strange how as children, we go to school, to get an education, well into adult life and we learn a variety of subjects, yet what about the subject called Life. There is no school, no university and no reference book that gives you instructions about how to live life.

Our experiences teach us.  Everyone who crosses our path, whether for a while or a lifetime, has a purpose for being there and we learn something from each other. The lessons are not always easy, some are challenging, some literally drag us out of our comfort zone, but they always give us a further insight into ourselves, help us grow while learning something from the experience.

Like the bully who made you cry, the friend that stood by you when you were down or the teacher who encouraged you when you were ready to give up – they all taught you different lessons, from being strong, compassionate and caring to persevering in the face of adversity.

When things are going according to plan, it is easy to be brimming over with smiles and feel a sense of peace, like the joyful caress of the rays of the sun, seeping through the dawn. Likewise, when times are tough, finances are tight and relationships are strained, it is easy to throw yourself a pity party and stew in it.

Life is like a roller coaster ride, but unlike the ride, life doesn’t just stop when you feel you can’t deal with its ups and downs. Life today maybe stressful, but there is always tomorrow, another day when the sun will rise again, bringing with it a new dawn and a new ray of hope. One just has to ride the storm and pick up the pieces once it subsides, re-build what has been destroyed and start again.

Life’s lessons may be a mix of sweet and sour or smooth and rugged, but the experience is always unpredictable, just as life is!

A diet that actually works!!

I would have never believed it, if I hadn't tried it myself, but I am now living proof that you can eat all day and still lose weight. Amazing isn't it? You bet it is.


I think it was easier for me, because I am a vegetarian. Besides not eating meat, I don't smoke or drink alcohol and I generally avoid fried foods. While I don't take sugar in my tea or coffee, I love desserts and chocolates are a major weakness, but I was so proud of myself....for not cheating during this 21 day cleansing diet that I undertook.


Giving up caffeine, meant giving up my morning tea....and the first few days, I struggled to keep awake and seemingly crawled through the day.

While determination and sheer willpower will get you anywhere...there were times, I just wanted to indulge and eat everything that was not permitted.


Needless to say, my colleagues found it hilarious and I pretty much felt like a rabbit, munching away at greens and different veggies, like there was no tomorrow....broccoli, celery, carrots, grapes, strawberries, cherries, almonds......you name it, I ate it.

Oh did I tell you how much water I drank? After I while, I just lost count. My kidneys were being flushed royally and the trips to the washroom, were endless!! 

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't just eat fruits and raw veggies 24/7. I ate whatever vegetable that I cooked for the family and took second helpings at times, but without eating rice or bread with it.

But you can't just diet and not exercise, so I did...a little bit of this, a little bit of that...whether it was yoga, brisk walking, dancing and I really enjoyed it.

Overall, its amazing how all that healthy stuff actually filled me up and I was never really hungry.

The outcome of this was seeing the bulges dissapear, fitting well into my clothes, feeling more energized and people actually complimenting me on my leaner frame.


It was so worth it - gosh, I can't stop smiling!

My life....so my way?

Can I really live  life my way, my terms, any which way I want?


Well, in my dreams I certainly can, but in reality, easier said than done.

Call it a culture thing, but as a woman, you can't separate yourself from the family unit that you are a part of. You can't ignore the fact that you are a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother and your life is entwined with others, your decisions impact others, either positively or negatively.


Many a time, we put our loved ones before ourselves, without even thinking twice about it. Sometimes though, it is at the cost of our dreams, our desires and happiness and we short change ourselves.


Our dreams are lost, our own personal growth stunted, our desires squashed, leaving an unfulfilled emptiness, that aches to be filled.


However, that emptiness looms large, once the children have grown and you have more time on your hands. That is when it hits, that although you have raised your children well and are happy about their achievements, for yourself, what have you achieved?


You have involved yourself so much in their lives, that you have lost your own identity.


But I have realized it doesn't have to be that way. We have it within us and we should  pursue our goals and touch the skies, but for that we need the support of our loved us. 


It is important that they understand our needs, our desires, our hopes and dreams and the importance of establishing our individuality.


Will they understand? Those who do will encourage and support us in our endeavors, while others, who refuse to move forward with time, still think that a woman's place is simply within the home.

As women, why do we always have to fight to establish our place in society?

I have learnt....

Don't waste your time trying to change other people. Instead, change your attitude, your overall outlook and it will enable you to see and accept them, in a way you never did before.


Don't judge others.....everyone is dealing with their own demons, that you probably know nothing about. Focus on your own life instead.


Rather that dwelling on a problem and crying over it, use the time to consider a course of action, towards possible solutions.


Don't make someone else's problem, your problem. We all have our own baggage to deal with. Sympathize, offer help when you  can and move ahead.


Never under-estimate your sense of self-worth. By doing so, you are undermining God's creation, if you think you are less than anyone else.


When you think no one listens or understands...remember, God does.


Even if the whole world is against you, God is always with you.


Time heals, every turmoil...just give Time, time.


Keep the Faith - even when there is no end in sight, put your Trust in His Hands and watch miracles unfold.


Lastly, you are a child of God. No matter how hopeless you think it is, cling on to that last strand of Hope, secure in the knowledge that God knows best. 


Only He can make the impossible, POSSIBLE - but in His time!

The Thing About Birthdays...

I still remember my 7th birthday.  Dressed in a frilly white dress, edged with pink lace and a pink ribbon in my hair, it was one of my happiest birthday parties.


Our huge garden was decorated with colorful balloons, people were everywhere and the birthday song played in the background. I welcomed my friends, eyed the growing pile of presents with excitement and had lots of fun.


Today, way past my 7th birthday and decades older, so much as changed. There certainly is no excitement about a birthday, I certainly don't want to be  reminded of being a year older. Then again, like they say, age is just a number and I feel young,  happy and absolutely healthy and that is what counts.


Spending quality time with my family celebrating my birthday, has made it special. Receiving messages, phone calls and flowers from relatives and friends, makes me feel loved. While I revel in the attention, I am also humbled and overwhelmed.


For a couple of years now, I have cut the birthday cake without having candles on it...my excuse is that the cake won't have space for all the candles and it takes way too many puffs and  energy to blow them all out. 


I also have an argument with my children, who keep wanting to buy me gifts and like I tell them, no gift can compare to having them in my life. 


Needless to say, when they throw that line back at me, when it comes to their birthdays, saying that having a mum like me is all they need, I don't listen, but then I am the mother and I have the final word, like it or not! When it comes to hubby, I often get what I want, without having to wait for a birthday, so we stopped the gift exchange years ago.


Also now that I am older and definitely a little wiser, I realize while candles,  balloons and gifts add a certain ambiance to a birthday celebration, it doesn't take away from the spirit of the occasion. 


When I have a loving family to celebrate with, share conversation and laughter and feel that bond of togetherness, what can be more perfect than that? 


So as I reflect on what a wonderful day it was, I am filled with a deep sense of gratitude for all that life has given me.


So thankful, so blessed.